Tolong. Ya Allah.

Apa ya? To be honest, I'm not feeling really down. Maybe I'll just write some thing that happened in the previous Parerela's Diklat. Many things happened there. But my main topic here is the wave of sadness that I felt when I'm back from there, Cilaket. We're going back to Surabaya using-as usual- TNI truck. There're two trucks, and they're used for both the committee and the participants. Well, at first I was offered to accompany the juniors in their truck. But, then, I replied not. My reason(read: alibi) was because isn't it more appropriate if the one accompanying them were the main committee? ;p. While actually what I thought was, well, I didn't see Freya there~ Nope, not gonna ride that truck :p~.
Enough with the happy part. Let's get to the main part. When I first step onto the truck I chose to sat at the back of the truck. It was because there'd be more windy there. Well, the truck went by to Surabaya. I remembered that I imagined heading 1-1 versus a big-shielded guy, and I'm wearing a double sword. I was closing my eyes. And yet, my friends are sprouting nonsense about physics =-=. Just what's with him? And when I'm over practicing my imagination, I open my eyes and saw that some of the occupants of the truck were passed(sleep, I mean). And everyone started saying soo many things regarding my position as a 2nd Head of SKI where there's the Head of the akhwat's SKI. Man, man, man, another nonsense -_-. What's with that one guy. Seems like he's got some contagious disease from the Head of the BiGos SS.. And soon, everybody slept. And so the pitiful contagied guy. It was so quiet when suddenly one of my friend that was still  woke up, Reno, asked me why I tried to stand inside of the truck. He asked me one question that's very precise to what's in my mind. 'Ngapain haw? Bosen hidup ta?'. Instantly, I replied: 'Yo.'. But he doesn't seem really paid much attention to my answer. Meanwhile me, right after that. Stopped trying to stand. Instead, I thought deeply of his question. I put my shirt all around my head and so I brood over it. It was one really easy question with a really hard answer. I'm really really bored with my life. That whenever I thought about it somehow my eyes are always glistening. Aku bener-bener muak sama hidupku yang hidup cuma untuk ngelakuin sebuah dosa dan terus dan terus dan terus dan terus dan terus dan terus AKU LAKUIN!. Aku bener-bener udah muak. At that time, I cried in silence. How wouldn't I cried. The girl that have always been in my mind was right over there. And I seriously didn't deserve her. I haven't fulfilled the promise that I had made to myself from time to time. I'm not supposed to talk to her. I'm not supposed to be in her life (Do I?). I'm not supposed to be with her. I didn't think I was worth her with these burden I had on my back. Aku pas itu mikir bahwa aku lho sampe udah muak ngerasa muak karena aku berfikir bahwa percuma aku berfikir kayak gini sekarang karena pada akhirnya aku akan muak lagi gara" aku ngelakuin itu lagi dan pada akhirnya aku cuman akan ada pada endless loop kemuakan akan diri ku sendiri. Terus aku mau jadi SIAPA? Aku mau jadi APA? Aku udah muak muak akan diriku sendiri yang bener" muak akan diriku sendiri. In the end, I just prayed to Allah, in tears, while sobbing, that I'm not going to end up in that loop. Aku nggak mau ke sana ya Allah. Aku mau bisa ngelewatin ini dan bisa berdiri dengan lega di samping Freya. Aku bener-bener berharap Engkau mau mengabulkan harapanku ini ya Allah. Masa depanku. Tolong aku.
Jaga dia ya Allah :'). (In the end, I'm pretty down, huh? So be it. *sigh).