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Thursday 21 January 2016

- I will love you, from the bottom of my heart -

I love you. I wanted to love you. But, the question is, who are you?
I've a deep longing for figure.
A motherly figure, for sure.
Coz everytime I walked past a short tree, I always try to get my head touched by the hanging leaves.
I long for that affectionate, caressing touch.

I've long been a single fighter.
I do things mostly solo.
It isn't because I don't trust anyone.
It's more because: I can feel that I'm afraid of opening up to other people.
I am afraid of those times when no one cares, when I don't have anyone else but.. myself.
So, I just lived through caring for myself.

I love you. I really do. But, the question is, who are you?
I rarely faked myself.
That's one of the things that I don't like.
The problem is, I'm different.
I'm the side effect of evolution.
The evolution process of lonely people.
I'm the succesful mutant who had tried to abandon its need for connection with other people.
But in turn, turned himself, slaved himself, over something else.
Something that bothers, or rather, distracts me for years, or well, decades.
I, voluntarily offer my life to something worse than the death itself.
Sins .. are something that goes way beyond death.

I love you. In every aspect that I found about you, I do. But, the question is, who are you?
I don't even know what to call you.
Is it my savior?
My star?
Or my goddess Freya? The mature woman who hates Loki so much, whilst the little kid inside her soul revolted against herself.
Or maybe.. you are just a figure I'd never meet.
A figure of someone who understands me.
Does a person like that exist?
As far as I know, I'm hard to be understood.
I do things my own way.
That's why, I often don't want to try to be understood by anyone, who'll then one day say this to me : I can't understand you anymore. *hate*

I love you, insyaAllah. So, please, will you come back to me, and help me? Lend me ahand to go through this all. Lead me back to Allah the Almighty.
Even if I still didn't know, who are you?
If it were possible, I want us to build a heart-lightening(sakinah), adoring(mawaddah), and loving(wa rohmah) family.
It's heart-lightening to know that someone wants to understand ourselves.
That there's someone who never got tired of trying to get closer to us.
But, somehow, I still like to think that they were right when saying this : No one can love your ego the way it want to be loved.
Ego demands way too much.
It has zero tolerance for any mistakes.

So, I hope when I meet you, we can fix that that saying which is such an abstract, destructive concept.

You know?
I'll adore you so much.
I'll keep that principle that I've made about us.
The next, and only girl I'll ever bow to after you, is our daughter.
When she's so confused the first time she ties her shoes.
 ..
Opening up to you has taken so much out of me.
Why would I open up for other people?
But, at the same time, this life is just not mine, yours too.
If Allah eventually wants to expand our family not to be just you, me, and our children, I hope you'll understand.
If ever, I do marry another woman, I hope you'll still understand.
That is(I hope) not of my personal interest.
That's not something I can choose from.
It's my devotion to Allah.
insyaAllah it's for the better future of Islam.

I will love you.
I will love our children.
I will listen to your father and mother's midnight stories, half-hearted complaints about you.
I hope, you'll love me too.

*=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*
To you, someone who I often question of its existence, who seems so imaginary.

Another reminder : I will love you :*
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Saturday 2 January 2016

Rasa dan Menulis

Do you know why I started writing in this blog back then?
Do you know when's the time I write so much?
Do you know how I can still write up till now?
Do you wanna know what's my word generator?

My post this time is about trying to answer a question from a friend of mine as to why she felt it's hard for her to write(again). I'm not trying to be superior, what I'm doing here is sharing my experience, hoping that she felt somehow nostalgic and then started to join the arena(of writing) once again.

So, the answer to all the questions at the start is, to me, emotion.

If you were to look back at my old, really old posts, they meant a lot to me. Rereading them makes me kinda emotional, just like what I feel when I was pouring them down from my minds, through my hands. Because, as you can see, at that time I was in a really huge wave of emotion. Thinking that my writings got read by someone you care about, how can you not be so careful in choosing your words? Of course I would. My words at those time were really what I wanted to say to me, and to her.

Who'd have never guessed, a reason that trivial can spark a little curiosity in myself for writing. Helping me to survive all those times when I don't have any idea to whom should I tell my stories to.

Mostly, it's also emotion that makes me write about something so elaborately. Well, to the point that I think no one's gonna read it, since it's too long anyway. People will just come by and leave a mental comment : "tl;dr". Ha.

Why emotion? Referring to what Miss Sarah Kay told in her TED Talks about spoken word poetry. She used poetry to be able to understand about something. She would write down many things that she already carried in her 'backpack' about that something, wrote it down, and, pow! Suddenly an understanding of that something just come out of nowhere. Well, that's what I think she was/is/will be doing. The same goes to me, I write so I understand. To me, emotion is like a.. dunno, kinda hard to guess, but sometimes I can just guess it right. They're interesting to me because I really understand that emotion affects our thoughts and behavior a lot. That's why to understand it, I often needs to write down everything that I know is making me feeling this way. At the end of my writing, I found out that everything that I wrote resonates with something in my head. I think that resonance happens because there's an emotion that I embedded at my writing. I may not be able to really understand what I'm feeling, but I know I'm feeling something! But on other times, I may understand it so well whether I'm sad, angry, or happy at the moment. Not to mention that if I want to relive my emotion back when I wrote something, I just have to reread it and I'll be having those emotion back.

So, I think those are the gist of it, my answer to all the questions at the start. I hope by the end here you'll think, or feel, that that emotions of ours sometimes can be transferred into something else. Hence, if you want to cerish a memory that you think is really moving, so much it makes you really emotional, just do it: write!

The exact moment we write about love, we're also drawing our own love story.
pic source : https://c2.staticflickr.com/6/5041/5324904462_a4c93bef8e_z.jpg
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