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Thursday 21 January 2016

- I will love you, from the bottom of my heart -

I love you. I wanted to love you. But, the question is, who are you?
I've a deep longing for figure.
A motherly figure, for sure.
Coz everytime I walked past a short tree, I always try to get my head touched by the hanging leaves.
I long for that affectionate, caressing touch.

I've long been a single fighter.
I do things mostly solo.
It isn't because I don't trust anyone.
It's more because: I can feel that I'm afraid of opening up to other people.
I am afraid of those times when no one cares, when I don't have anyone else but.. myself.
So, I just lived through caring for myself.

I love you. I really do. But, the question is, who are you?
I rarely faked myself.
That's one of the things that I don't like.
The problem is, I'm different.
I'm the side effect of evolution.
The evolution process of lonely people.
I'm the succesful mutant who had tried to abandon its need for connection with other people.
But in turn, turned himself, slaved himself, over something else.
Something that bothers, or rather, distracts me for years, or well, decades.
I, voluntarily offer my life to something worse than the death itself.
Sins .. are something that goes way beyond death.

I love you. In every aspect that I found about you, I do. But, the question is, who are you?
I don't even know what to call you.
Is it my savior?
My star?
Or my goddess Freya? The mature woman who hates Loki so much, whilst the little kid inside her soul revolted against herself.
Or maybe.. you are just a figure I'd never meet.
A figure of someone who understands me.
Does a person like that exist?
As far as I know, I'm hard to be understood.
I do things my own way.
That's why, I often don't want to try to be understood by anyone, who'll then one day say this to me : I can't understand you anymore. *hate*

I love you, insyaAllah. So, please, will you come back to me, and help me? Lend me ahand to go through this all. Lead me back to Allah the Almighty.
Even if I still didn't know, who are you?
If it were possible, I want us to build a heart-lightening(sakinah), adoring(mawaddah), and loving(wa rohmah) family.
It's heart-lightening to know that someone wants to understand ourselves.
That there's someone who never got tired of trying to get closer to us.
But, somehow, I still like to think that they were right when saying this : No one can love your ego the way it want to be loved.
Ego demands way too much.
It has zero tolerance for any mistakes.

So, I hope when I meet you, we can fix that that saying which is such an abstract, destructive concept.

You know?
I'll adore you so much.
I'll keep that principle that I've made about us.
The next, and only girl I'll ever bow to after you, is our daughter.
When she's so confused the first time she ties her shoes.
 ..
Opening up to you has taken so much out of me.
Why would I open up for other people?
But, at the same time, this life is just not mine, yours too.
If Allah eventually wants to expand our family not to be just you, me, and our children, I hope you'll understand.
If ever, I do marry another woman, I hope you'll still understand.
That is(I hope) not of my personal interest.
That's not something I can choose from.
It's my devotion to Allah.
insyaAllah it's for the better future of Islam.

I will love you.
I will love our children.
I will listen to your father and mother's midnight stories, half-hearted complaints about you.
I hope, you'll love me too.

*=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*
To you, someone who I often question of its existence, who seems so imaginary.

Another reminder : I will love you :*
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