I wanted to make clear what it's actually about, since it's quite personal.
There you are:
"
Keep trying and keep failing. And still, keep trying.
The sound of the thunder is echoing.
Just the same.
My heart is screaming, too.
Way louder than that unheard thunder.
I always thought that I'm going to be able to get through it.
I thought that this is going to be easy.
Thought that this is just going to pass by.
That this is going to be over.
Me, the senseless. Getting through it?
Impossible.
Is it possible?
Impossible.
Are there really no possibilities?
Hopes.
That's what keep us to look forward to everything.
Hopes.
Almost everyone has one.
Unfortunately, almost.
This is just a game of face.
Game of words.
A never ending, tireless game.
Useless one. Is it?
I always try to be positive.
Because it is said to be good for us.
Positive is because we're holding onto hopes, right?
Yeah, it is impossible.
I'm hopeless.
There're no more hopes that I can hold onto.
They're just false hopes, that I create.
Just so I can be strong enough.
Just so I can go on living.
Life.
We go through it. Everybody did.
Struggling, fighting, trying, keeping an effort.
Succeeding, winning, smiling, laughing, getting over.
Failing, losing, mistaking, falling, crumbling, crying, suffering, being despair, being sorrow, being gloomy, being hurt.
So many things. All through.
Happiness.
Everybody knows it.
Seeks for it. Many. Not me.
Life should be balanced, right?
Where there's happiness, there'll always be sadness. Sorrow.
I really seriously hate this game of nonsense.
This is just useless. It never ends.
However I try, nothing will change, won't it?
This, is just useless. Nothing will change. Will it????
Let's just end this.
Because I am hopeless.
"
T
his poem is all about my fight with my addiction.
I was really hopeless at that time whether I can conquer this addiction,
and stop going over there whenever I feel down, whenever I feel disappointed, bored, especially whenever I wanted to feel high.
Because I'm just a normal man on his late teen age, with a raging fire inside me, with the world around me is (feel like) warped toward women's beauty and physical body. Anywhere I see ads, it's women there, almost anywhere I go browsing, women's body seems to always be exposed.
Having this addiction feels like a ride on a roller-coaster, when I succeed to keep myself clean for 1 week or more, I feel like I got myself back. The myself which is able to do so many things, the spirited one, the one who likes to play, who enjoy talking with girls(actually whenever I talked with girls I never thought of anything bad/dirty about them, I prefer not talking with girls at all rather than having that kind of thoughts, it's disgusting).
Meanwhile if I just done that, it leaves me a really bad, disappointed feeling about myself. I feel bad for not being able to keep myself away from that. Can you imagine how much those disappointed feelings felt? Each, one by one, every time, the feelings stacked one after another. Leaving such a miserable feelings. this poem is just an expression of all those feelings, all in one.
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| It's me vs me |
Do'a kan saja semoga cowok-cowok yang fight melawan ini diberi kemudahan untuk bisa menahan hawa nafsunya, bisa lebih mendekatkan diri kepada Allah, dan tidak side-tracked ke arah hal-hal yang lebih negatif lagi. Semoga kami diberikan kesabaran untuk bisa menjalani hidup ini dengan apa adanya tanpa perlu lari dari kenyataan-kenyataan pahit(untuk saya, hal-hal buruk yang dilakukan oleh teman saya entah kenapa benar-benar menjatuhkan semangat saya, membuat saya kecewa :( ), dan kuat untuk menghadapinya, dijaga dan dijauhkan dari hal-hal itu lagi. Aamiin.
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| That may looks beautiful and interesting, but this's how their true face are. |
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