A True Fight

It wouldn't be a fight if it were easy.
And fighting against myself, my very desire. Not only that, but also all the stereotypes that most women put on men.
I have to fight against all those. It makes myself shiver.
Is there anyone out there who still support me?
I know, it musn't be a girlfriend or so close-friend, or else.
I need a shoulder to lean on. Because it's just heavy. Not too heavy, at least.

I told my friend about this fight of mine, and know the way I was responded?
No need to discuss about that. It's just my second experience, and they got me wrong.
And then it seems like nothing has happened.
I still have to carry all the loads in this world. Because we of the few selected man are not a majority.

I just want to tell my friends how heavy it is.
I think I'm just going to try again telling them how harsh this fight is.
How soothing it was to have a friend on my side who support me.
Like this, just as I reflect on the time when I tried to sink my head on the water tube.
And come out 'graaah'. I still need to live. I can't end my life like this.

I need someone that'll understand me.
But before that, I think it's best to wait for Allah's decision.
This'll be time for me to recover from that trauma.
Yo, Haw! Semangat x)))

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-- Me and All the Woman Around Me --

Well, I'm The Moon. I sometimes shine brightly. And some other time, I don't.My life is the vastness of the night. And my shine is the reflection of the sun. And my sun is my inspiration.
At some moments of my life. When I give a clear, bright, and sheeny light. That even I am proud of myself.
And there's also some moments of my life. When I was lost sight, disappearing, not owning any more light.

And I look at the stars around me. They're all looked so shiny too. I was told that they shine by themselves.
How cool.
I was told that I need to focus on my sun. The things that I loved, and liked to do.
But still, I often looked at the stars. They looked so interesting. So amusing.
The star's activities, how they create their own shine. Very cool, right? I think so.
Their shine looked flawless, their heat are so warming me, and their positioning themselves are just perfect.
Why is it that they're so amazing?

Some times, I do wonder.
How'd it feel if I were to be near them? If I were to be reflecting their light.
Am I going to be like them? Strong, sheeny, and just so cool yet able to warm this petrified soil.
Is things gonna be alright? Will my light shine for'eva?
But my cores forbid me to. They prohibited me to have a new source of rays.
My cores disclosed me the facts that I'm not ready for that yet.

But I want to. Crack, crack. Some faults arise in my body.
I really want to.
No, my cores said. You need to wait some more. To be more patient.
Learn to control this magma seething inside you.
Look at that strong gravity you had when you meet them.
Look at all your faults, your acute ravines in your body.
Look at this, your very own core, which is still lacking repair.

Are you ready yet?

And so I was only allowed to try to reflect some of the stars' light, and only watching them from afar.
Only able to be amazed by them. To help them by my flaws. And wait. Yeah, wait.
For this moon to grow, and soon be a star, just like all of them.
I'm waiting for the time I become 'That solely shining star'.
And soon finding my moon, or to meet with another beautiful star.
And strengthen our gravity bond. And become a magnificent pair of star.

This is all.

A picture for you guys :)

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'Illusory World'

I l l u s o r y  W o r l d . . ?

     "It is a world where everyone lost themselves. Let loose of themselves.
      It is a world where the tired goes off to. Where they can feed themselves with their needs.
      A world where everything seems alright. Where forgetting about others feels just okay.
      A world of dreams. Whatever dream it is. Whether it is a world where we pleasure ourselves. 
     Or a world full of self-pity." - Thinker Me


They're indeed a part of real world. They're worlds where many people live in and want to live in. This world is where a comfort is offered completely. You can choose to crush yourself, where you can explore your self-loathing self freely. Or you can choose to look for fake happiness, outer happiness often mistook as real happiness.

But those all are just illusory worlds. They're there for moments. And they lasted moments afterward. Just at the moment when we see our real world the way it is. After we come back alive again.

"Can't human actually just fight the world the way the reality is? 
Without having to run to that illusory world anymore?
Is it really a must to have that dreams achieved momentarily?"
False-achievement in world.

Illusory world is a world of addicts. Where the addicted feed their addiction. Of everything.
"And what did we get by feeding this addiction?"
We just get deeper into the cycle of addiction. The more we feed our addiction, the deeper we get into it.

"Can't human actually live without addiction?"
That's the thing that I don't really know. Someone else said that in life, there're two contrary things: Addiction vs Compassion. But that's for next time :)

I'm writing for myself ;)

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Good Job, Loki!

Mission Accomplished! Teehee :)
Naw", have to go to school right away ><

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Lost

Because of that, came these moments.
The moment I started hating my self.
The moment I stopped to love my self.
The moment I gave up enjoying life.
The moment I quit looking forward for tomorrow.
The moment I began to walk in the despair world.
The moment I was introduced with the feels of agony.
The moment I wanted to give up living.
The moment I was willing to give up living. 
The moment I lost my self.


When will these moments be over? I wonder.
Allah, give me something. Give me someone. Give me the best. I want to live but I just can't. I shouldn't. But, yeah. I want these to be over. But how?
I want to live, but I shouldn't have. What should I do?
Ini bukan galau masalah biasa, ini galau masalah hidup mati, masalah nggak mau ngelanjutin hidup tapi tau bahwa bukan sekarang saatnya untuk mati. Ini bukan galau. Ini pemikiran serius. Yang udah berlangsung lama dan bukan perihal main-main. Sayangnya, hidup jalan terus. Aku takut sama masa depan nanti, waktu waktu yang bakal aku laluin. Aku takut. Jangan, ya Allah, jangan.

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